CANNIBAL TERROR Movie and DVD Review

CANNIBAL TERROR (1981)

When two bumbling crooks and their prostitute friend hatch a plan to kidnap the young daughter of a car manufacturer, they think their money troubles are all over. But, these crooks can’t even get a simple kidnapping right, and when their plan falls through, the trio pull a few favors and quickly cross over into the next country to hide out, taking the little girl with them. There’s only one problem - the cottage they’re hiding out in is right on the border of cannibal territory!

Though the crooks think they’re safe, tension mounts no doubt due to the fact that Mario rapes Manuela, the wife of the cottage’s owner. Manuela’s husband deals with Mario in his own special way, while the other two race into the jungle. On their trail though, are the parents of the little girl and the tribe of cannibals who have picked up their scent. As the chase turns into free-for-all battle for survival, the only question remains is who will be lucky enough to simply die and who will become the next sacrificial meal of the cannibals?

For bottom-of-the-barrel EuroTrash sleaze looking to cash in on a horror fad, look no further than this Alain Deruelle (directing under the pseudonym Allan W Steeve) French/Spanish co-production from 1981, as he tries to ride the coattails of Italian directors like Ruggero Deodato and his infamous CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST. However, Deruelle proves that his abilities to mimic a genre to make a few bucks are even worse than Jess Franco at his worst. Interestingly enough, Franco was thought to be the true director of this movie for years.

The cannibal sub-genre is a particularly nasty offshoot in the realm of horror, and lends its perverse violence, often times demeaning stereotyping and lurid acts of sexual depravity to those with an acquired taste. And that is when the genre is done right. When done as a poorly cobbled together cash-in such as CANNIBAL TERROR, the results are a mixture of unintentional humor and boredom, interrupted ever so briefly with moments of stomach-turning disgust.

Here, the laughter starts from the first scene with abysmal acting from everyone involved, magnetized by the canned and nearly-emotionless English dubbing, but really gets the guffaws rolling with the introduction of perhaps the worst depiction of cannibals the screen has ever seen. These cannibals, who for the most part are pasty white Europeans with sideburns, flowing locks of hair, and beerbellies who have painted their faces and can barely contain their giggles as they hoot and holler and dance around endlessly. Rather than try to exploit their “savage rituals” a la MONDO CANE, here it amounts to nothing more than a ridiculous updating of white guys pretending to be Indians in old Hollywood westerns.

Now the highlight, if one can call it that, of any good cannibal films is of course the visceral display of flesh eating. Derulle’s version of that is to substitute a pig’s body for that of human, drape some clothes over it, and let a few extras tear it apart. We get two scenes of this grotesque barbarity, as a few fellows pull at and pretend to eat the organs of some piggy. Its a bit revolting, until you notice their smiles, as if it say, “look at us, we’re cannibals!” It is impossible to take anything even remotely serious after that.

The rest of the film amounts to a few brief glimpses of nudity thanks to exploitation mainstay Pamela Stanford (BLUE RITA, GIRL SLAVES) in one of her final roles, lots and lots of walking, a few clips of jungle stock footage, and a rollicking African beat inspired soundtrack. In fact, there’s just enough footage of interesting and exciting scenes to be able to cut together a trailer that (as is often the case) promises much more than is ever delivered.

It is a sure bet that if CANNIBAL TERROR had not been labeled a Video Nasty and briefly banned in the UK during the mid-’80s, the film would have long ago disappeared into obscurity. But now, thanks mostly to this infamous list it has lived on, and now the movie has finally been restored to all its uncut “glory” by Severin Films for its US DVD debut, where it will surely continue to provide laughs for a whole new generation of gut-munching fanatics.

The DVD provides an anamorphic widescreen transfer of an uncut print, and has been remastered in Hi-Definition, though the quality varies from one scene to the next, and even one cut to the next. The sound retains glaringly obvious of its dubbed roots. The special features include a deleted scene, which is just a short clip of Pamela Stanford dancing around topless that should have been reinstated into the film and the theatrical trailer featuring a priceless voice-over, especially when the announcer exclaims “Cannibal Terror!”

For genre enthusiasts this is worth a precursory glance just for the sake of curiosity and mocking, and for those that absolutely positively have to own every Video Nasty. For the rest, there is nothing to see here.

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THE BLOB (1988) Movie Review

THE BLOB (1988)

In a small sleepy town in Colorado, a giant meteor has crashed in the foothills only to be discovered by a homeless hermit, who learns the hard way not to poke a gelatinous goo seeping out of a rock. The town's sole rebel Brian and the high school's star cheerleader Meg also get a taste of what this blob can do when they come across the ever growing Jell-O Mold From Hell. With each victim that it dissolves and consumes, the Blob grows in strength and size. When Brian decides to make a self-preserving dash on his motorcycle, he crosses paths with a military containment brigade that seems to have arrived on the scene too quick and too well prepared to be just a coincidence. Meanwhile, the townsfolk are being rounded up under the pretense of a bacterial outbreak, and The Blob, growing stronger still, has made its way into the sewer system. And it is pissed off!

Like a younger and often ignored sibling to John Carpenter's THE THING, this remake of a cheesy 1950's b-movie has a distinct privilege of expanding upon and improving the original source material. Coming from director Chuck Russell (NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3, THE MASK) who also wrote the screenplay along with Frank Darabont, the communist-allegorizing original film is updating for a cynical anti-authoritarian and anti-government 1980s audience with an additional warning against the Cold War arms race thrown in for good measure. Unlike the original, in which a mysterious "red" entity comes from the skies and threatens America's heartland, here Russell and Darabont provide an origin to the beloved goop that is much worse than any external force could hope to create.

Continuing with the connection to Carpenter's creation, Russell out does the original monster as he makes his Blob faster, more dangerous, more powerful, and perhaps unstoppable. Along with a horde of special effects creators, Russell employs just about every trick available at the time to bring the Purple People Dissolver to life. Surprisingly, aside from a few just a layering shots, the effects hold up quite well over twenty years later, with miniatures, puppets, and matte shots all coming into play. On top of the Blob itself, the creature's new way of "eating" leaves some quite gory and gooey messes in its wake, and as it grows bigger and gets deeper into the town, the new ways it learns to find victims leads to some quite over-the-top ends to the secondary characters.

Speaking of characters, THE BLOB gets a few actors early in their career as they cut their acting chops in the horror field. Kevin Dillon steps into the shoes of Steve McQueen as Brian, whose rather wooden and goofy turn here is right at home with the b-movie styling, though it was probably not conscious on his part to play it off that way. The wardrobe choice, fitting somewhere between Bon Jovi and Adam Ant, definitely does not shout "rebel", but boy can he throw a half-empty beer in anger! Watch for future Baywatch babe Erika Eleniak as a potential date-rape victim, Bill "Chop Top" Moseley as a soldier, and is that everyone's favorite female torture prodigy Shawnee Smith getting second billing as cheerleader Meg? You bet it is!

For whatever reason, and perhaps it is because this came out before the "everything must be remade" mentality in Hollywood, Russell's re-imagining of the 1950s drive-in sci-fi film is often forgotten in the argument to defend or defame remakes. THE BLOB is a highly entertaining piece of 80s schlock that has fun with the source material, takes time to poke at the then current cookie-cutter slasher films, and makes sure that you know none of the characters are safe by employing my favorite expect-the-unexpected tactic of killing a kid. While no masterpiece in any sense, Russell's sophomore effort in the horror/dark-humor hybrid genre certainly deserves more than it is has gotten and should be used whenever possible as an argument of how a movie should be remade, and more importantly what should be remade.

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THE DEAD PIT Movie Review

THE DEAD PIT (1989)

Twenty years ago, a mad surgeon named Ramzi worked at a hospital for the mentally insane and used his patients in a secret experiment deep within the hospital’s basement and found a way to conquer death just before being shot in the head and sealed in the tomb by a fellow doctor. Now, an earthquake has broken open the seal and the undead surgeon, who has patiently waited for his day to return and begin his experiments anew, has been let loose. It is on this very day that the hospital receives its latest patient, a buxom brunette who claims to have had her memory stolen and goes by the name of Jane Doe.

Jane spends each day being terrorized by images of the insane undead surgeon, although no one else seems to notice him, while at night her dreams are tormented by images of her past. But Ramzi is not content in just giving Jane goosebumps, and begins to kidnap patients and hospital staff, bringing them back to the now abandoned building where he continues his experiments in keeping the dead alive. When his army of still living and stumbling corpses is discovered, they are unleashed upon the hospital grounds to feed. Only Jane, a patient obsessed with explosives, and a little holy water can stop them!

As part of the last wave of horror films to be released in the 1980s, director Brett Leonard’s low budget zombie flick is a shambling hodgepodge of what makes these sort of creature features so great and at the same time so bad. With inspiration that can easily be traced back to RE-ANIMATOR, Leonard and co-writer Gimel Everett try to give their zombie hoards a fresh and perhaps even pseudo-scientific origin rather than the “no more room in Hell” motif. But as the zombies don’t make their appearance until well into the final reel of the movie, Leonard seems even more interested with providing as many chances as possible to get Jane Doe;s (Cheryl Lawson) well-endowed body into a tank-top that is two sizes too small, and providing politically incorrect humor at the expense of the mentally insane that wander in the background.

Despite this being his debut, Leonard, who would go on to give the cyberpunk genre two memorable entries with THE LAWNMOWER MAN and VIRTUOSITY, has all the makings of an entertaining schlockfest well in hand. With the movie being filmed inside an actual asylum for the criminally insane which had been closed down, the shadow-filled clinical feeling of the sets provides a very natural and uneasy tingling that permeates much of the movie. Leonard uses this with an amazing and resonating effect to build up a very suspenseful atmosphere with more than a dash of claustrophobia. Leonard also takes on the use of the tried-and-true 1980s style blue backlighting through fog to cast unearthly shadows across the screen.

While the zombies wait patiently just off stage for their chaotic reign of terror, Cheryl Lawson provides ample entertainment as Jane Doe. Sure she may not have the best line delivery (incidentally, she later found success as a stunt woman) and any attempt to become scream queen material leaves much to be desired. However she does have an incredible body and absolutely no shame when it comes to parading around in skimpy clothes on cold nights, and that goes a long way in a borderline exploitation movie like this. Danny Gochnauer, who makes his only screen appearance as here as Dr. Ramzi, uses his naturally demonic facial expressions coupled with some generously applied latex, to a make a memorable king of the zombies. The medical-themed puns he is entrusted with might even make Freddy Kruger cringe, but his creepy screen presence more than makes up for it.

Once the zombies become unleashed and Ramzi goes into overdrive conducting his experiments on his freshest victims, Brett Leonard and the special effects crew let the fake blood and gore flow. Some of their highlights include a dentist drill through the eye, the affects of holy water on a zombie, and an exposed brain being poked by acupuncture needles. Of course there is also the prerequisite brain munching and the bloody corpses that make up a majority of the zombie masses, and Leonard relishes in it all with great abandon. Though there are a few weak elements here and there, it all just adds to the overall charm of the production.

And that is what it all comes down to. THE DEAD PIT is certainly not without its faults, with more than a few questionable plot holes throughout the meandering story and nothing but b-grade acting across the board, but damn if it isn’t a fun and charming little zombie flick that never gets pretentious and never takes itself seriously. Leonard just wants to provide a hundred minutes of pure 80s cheese to the home video market, and that he most certainly does.

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THE EXPENDABLES Movie Review

THE EXPENDABLES (2010)

A team of mercenaries lead by Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) who dub themselves “expendable” and take on the jobs that no one else will touch have been offered their latest assignment – take out one General Garza who has overthrown small South American island and placed it under military dictatorship. The job seems easy enough, until Ross realizes that Garza is only a puppet for a corrupt CIA agent setting up a drug distribution empire. The team, including Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Yin Yang (Jet Li), Toll Road (Randy Couture) and Hale Caesar (Terry Crews) are ready to walk away, but a revelation from Ross’ friend Tool (Mickey Rourke) open him the idea that this not just a fight, this is something worth fighting for.

Armed to the teeth and prepared to stop at nothing, The Expendables ready themselves to free the island of Vilena and for Ross to save his dying soul. But before they can put a bullet through the eyes of General Garza and James Monroe (Eric Roberts), they’ll have to get through ex-teammate Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren) who has betrayed them, the silent Paine (Steve Austin) and several hundred soldiers in a suicide run to end all suicide runs!

Exploding like a movie you’d find in the “Super Action” section of your local video store circa 1988 or maybe you’d find collecting dust in your dad’s DVD collection, THE EXPENDABLES seeks to finally reignite the flame of the unstoppable musclemen action genre that has been fanned by 2008’s RAMBO and to a lesser extent 2007’s LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD. Collecting an ensemble cast of that era’s biggest names and a few modern faces from both screen and fighting ring, director and co-writer Sylvester Stallone delivers exactly what the trailers and promotions have promised to the fans: a not very good movie featuring an uneven script with little character development that delivers all the gratuitous violence and posturing your could hope for.

Outside the ensemble cast, the action sequences appear as their own character, something to root for as the carnage unleashes on the screen. THE EXPENDABLES features four key sequences that basically hit on everything an action fan could ask for. In the opening sequence, our mercenary protagonists deal with Somali pirates aboard a freighter. Next up is an extended chase sequence as Stallone and Jason Statham attempt to escape the island of Vilena. A third sequence begins with a car chase and ends with a Toho-esque monster battle as Jet Li and Dolph Lundgren go one-on-one in a fight choreographed by Hong Kong martial arts veteran Cory Yuen. The final sequence is the against-all-odds assault on Vilena which is part THE DIRTY DOZEN and part COMMANDO both in execution and explosive flair.

While the explosions are grand, and the set pieces to demolish are even more so, Stallone’s directing leaves a bit to be desired in the “what just happening” and “who is fighting who” department. Once the action starts the camera violently shakes to-and-fro hardly stopping once to let the viewer get perspective on where everything is, and the editing is becomes speed metal fast. This is especially true in the final sequence, which takes place in the dark and has the entire cast on screen wearing black. There’s something to be said for quick pacing to get the blood pumping, but it wouldn’t hurt just to have a stationary camera roll for a few seconds to let the viewer know where and who all the players are.

When things aren’t exploding, we get to enjoy the ensemble cast quipping back and forth as they chew up a script that serves to move characters from one place to the next. In the protagonist’s corner, Stallone and Statham share the majority of the screen time, with Jet Li, and Mickey Rourke coming in close behind. All four find exactly what their characters need and spit it out fine fashion. In the antagonist’s corner, Eric Roberts and David Zayas (Angel Batista on “Dexter”) shine like they were born to be baddies commanding an army of cannon fodder. The plot may be a dozen times old, and the soliloquy about soldiers losing their soul when they stop fighting “for” something and just fight for fighting sake are about as subtle as a brick to the face, but be certain this is not parody of a bygone era but an honest attempt to add at least one more film to the unstoppable musclemen action genre.

Speaking of musclemen, the short scene that sets up the main plot and brings Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger on screen for the first time ever is a testosterone filled dream-come-true, despite the fact that this has shallow publicity angle written all over it and Schwarzenegger looks a little he’s seen better days.

Since first hearing about THE EXPENDABLES in late 2008, the film has been set up to bring action fans a non-stop tour de force romp of explosions, fist fights and familiar faces that is part nostalgia and part modern adrenaline. Stallone does deliver on those promises and even a bit more, presenting a thoroughly entertaining 100 minutes that should quickly be added to anyone’s top list of go-to flicks for unadulterated and unapologetic violence. That is until the sequel arrives, and yes, a sequel is already being talked about.

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FUTURE-KILL Movie Review

FUTURE-KILL (1985)

In the near future, a new class division has been created in the cities, the uptowners and the downtown mutants, who look more like people that listen to way too much Adam Ant rather than biological abnormalities. These mutants stage elaborate protests against nuclear weapons, and have been the focus of several newscasts. Oblivious to the suffering that happens downtown are a bunch of fratboys who, after a botched college prank, are asked to go downtown and kidnap the leader of the mutants, Eddie Pain. Lurking downtown however, is a mutant named Splatter (Edwin Neal), who is all too familiar with suffering, and loves nothing more than to dish it out. When the boys locate Pain and Splatter, Splatter's twisted logic leads him to murder Pain in a power move, and then blames it on the innocent fratboys.

As word gets out of Eddie Pain's death, the mutants begin a citywide hunt for the now on-the-run fratboys, who are hopelessly lost. During their sprints from alley to alley, the fratboys come across Julie, a local mutant who is being attacked. The fratboys save Julie, and in exchange, she begrudgingly agrees to help them find a way out of the downtown city. When their paths cross with Dorothy Grim (Marilyn Burns), another mutant who has decided that Splatter must be killed if the mutant cause is to succeed, the group arms themselves and head into Splatter's lair for one final confrontation.

FUTURE-KILL uses the basic storyline premise of THE WARRIORS, and infuses ideas generously borrowed from THE TERMINATOR, REVENGE OF THE NERDS, THE ROAD WARRIOR and Penelope Spheeris' SUBURBIA, with a none-too-subtle stance against pending nuclear war between the United States and the Soviet Union. First time director and co-writer Ronald W Moore (who incidentally never made another movie after this) pieces together a hodge-podge of physical gross-out comedy, weak suspense set-ups, a few good gore moments. The cracks are filled with prerequisite 1980s cliches including blue-washed lighting, a synthesizer score and an utterly pointless yet still fun sequence in a nightclub where a live band plays not one, but two full songs as the fratboys dance and mingle with the mutants.

For most, the main selling point of the film will be a chance to see the original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE stars Edwin Neal and Marilyn Burns on screen together again. The two don't actually spend that much time together on screen, and Burns' role is more of an extended cameo rather than the co-star billing she gets. Neal, who was extensively involved in the film's creation, is obviously having a great time on screen in his full armor outfit, and Burns' looks damn sexy in her low-cut leather n' metal combat gear.

FUTURE-KILL is a prime example of low-budget 80's indie exploitation, which is big on heart, poor on execution, and whose poster, an art piece created by H.R. Giger specifically for the movie, promises a character twice as cool as any that make it on screen. 1980s b-movie horror and sci-fi junkies should enjoy this one as long as you know what you're getting into, but make sure to watch it with a few friends and a twelve pack; it makes for is easy cannon-fodder and talking back to the screen.

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RABID (1977) Movie Review

RABID (1977)

When a young couple on a motorcycle are in a horrific crash, they are brought to the nearby plastic surgery hospital for emergency care, where the local surgeon uses an experimental skin grafting procedure to help heal Rose's (porn star Marilyn Chambers) wounds. After a month-long coma, Rose awakens to discover that she has an insatiable appetite for blood, which she draws from anyone who gets close to her via a penis-like growth that now protrudes out of her armpit. Scared and confused, Rose races out into the night, hoping to find her way back to the city where she can be safe. But with each victim that she attacks, she creates a frothing-at-the-mouth psychotic monster, who in turn attacks and creates more mindless raging creatures. By the time Rose has made her way back to the city, she has unknowingly created an epidemic which has forced martial law on the entire area!

Everyone's favorite gray-haired body-horror obsessed Canuck David Cronenberg is back after SHIVERS with his second feature-length nightmare, with partial funding from the Canadian government and Ivan Reitman serving as executive producer. This time around sex and desire are once again the enemy, with elective plastic surgery and the price of human physical perfection via experimentation added to the list. Though predating the AIDS scare of the 1980s, this is none the less a cautionary tale about the dangers of unprotected physical contact with strangers, and a warning about the consequences of unnaturally altering the human body. A majority of the film takes place at a plastic surgery institute, whose overseers discuss creating a plastic surgery franchise. Cronenberg deals with this installation and its inhabitants with pure disgust for those obsessed with human physical perfection.

Marilyn Chambers, the star and sensation of the 1972 porn classic BEHIND THE GREEN DOOR, shows off some solid acting chops here as Rose. Chambers' natural, innocent and intoxicatingly attractive look plays an important part in making RABID work the way it does. She performs with a vulnerability and slightly-spacey look on her face for most of the picture, which allows the seedier characters to attempt to take advantage of her. The twist is that she is the most dangerous character in the film, carrying a virus that will destroy any who get close to her within hours. That she is unaffected by the virus herself makes her all the more deadly. She is not shy about shedding her clothes here either, and thus we as viewers are filled with lust and become victims ourselves. Chambers appears in almost every scene, and even with her limited filmography, is able to muster a performance that keeps the film held together.

Taking some cues from George Romero's 1973 film THE CRAZIES, this virus turns its victims into grotesque mouth-foaming, eye-bulging lunatics who bite and claw at others, spreading the disease. The effects, even with the films obvious low-budget, are handled with a professional touch. They are effective, shocking, and above all disturbingly real. Cronenberg's takes another cue from Romero's NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, in which he keeps the viewer in the dark as to what exactly caused Rose's body to mutate the way it did and thus creating the virus, though several characters attempt to explain it throughout the movie. The film primarily revolves around Rose's subjective view about what is happening to her, and since no one explains to her what is wrong with her, we as viewers are left in the dark to the origins as well. It makes her character's experiences all the more frightening, and the more tragic.

Cronenberg's writing and directing style here is icy and already masterfully distant considering his short career at the time. He comes in close, whether literally with the camera or figuratively with the dialog, only when he absolutely has to, as if disgusted by the human race, the individual subjects at hand and what the species is capable of. Cronenberg doesn't flinch when showing what humans will go to whether it is a man trying to take advantage of a frail young woman, a bandaged patient nonchalantly discussing how many times they've had plastic surgery done, or the military's cold and calculating way of dealing with the epidemic through herding the masses like cattle and blindly executing anyone that has symptoms of the virus. This disgust is a stance that Cronenberg has taken again and again over the years in almost every project he's put his stamp on. Here in RABID though, it is particularly raw and unfiltered, and from the mind of an angry young man who sees the world a little differently than most, and wants those viewing to realize the ugly truth about what we are, what we do, and where we are going.

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HUNDRA (1983) Movie Review

HUNDRA (1983)

When a clan of female nomadic warriors, made up of women who were once slaves and escaped to find personal freedom, are attacked and killed by a roving tribe of barbarians, only one remains alive. Her name is Hundra (Laurene Landon), the finest warrior of her people. Hundra seeks out her elder, who in turn prophesies that Hundra must go into the belly of the beast - the home of the barbarians that slaughtered her tribe - and find a man to plant a seed within her so that her bloodline will go on.

After Hundra arrives in the walled city, she finds its citizens living in fear and oppression of the local temple. It is there the young women of the city are taken to be made over as slaves for the pleasure of the chieftains. Hundra, under the pretense of being captured, infiltrates the temple. There she meets another young woman who does as she is told in order to survive. While Hundra allows her to make her over as one of the slaves, she also teaches her how to fight, so that she may break free of the shackles of domination. While in the city, Hundra also meets the local healer, and it is he that Hundra deems worthy to plant his seed. Once with child, Hundra faces the first difficult choice of her life, whether to stay in the company of her child's father, or set off back to the hideout of her people's elder.

In the wake of CONAN THE BARBARIAN and the resurgence in interest in the sword and sorcery sub-genre, production companies were scrambling to put their own epic adventure on the screen. Director and writer Matt Cimber was approached to literally make a "female Conan" movie. After setting out the basic story line, co-writer John Goff reworked some of the plot points and HUNDRA went into production in Spain. Actress Laurene Landon, who had previously worked with Larry Cohen and a small role in AIRPLANE II, was entrusted to take up the lead role. Landon, who performs almost all of her own stunts here, looks the part of the warrior woman, and though her swordplay lacks some finesse, she is quite believable in the role and is able to carry the slightly corny dialogue with dignified decorum. Ennio Morricone is also brought in to emulate Basil Poledouris' CONAN score, and creates several triumphant and invigorating theme tunes.

Over the years, there has been quite the discussion over the subtexts within HUNDRA. Is there an underlying feminist message decrying the vicious domination that men have had over women throughout the centuries? A critical eye would certainly take it that way. Hundra, who would rather be riding with a horse between her legs than a man, is quick to dismiss men as needless, and has had no previous interaction with them not dealing with a sword. Matt Cimber, whose previous film THE WITCH WHO CAME FROM THE SEA dealt with a woman who subdued sexual predators and then castrated them, continues that theme here. Almost all of the men in HUNDRA are portrayed as sexual predators, beasts, and oafish soldiers who of course are always armed with a long spear. Hundra's way of dealing them usually involves some form of crotch attack before killing them. Hundra also makes some powerful speeches to any woman who will listen throughout the picture.

However, Cimber does stray a bit too far into epic-style exploitation that diminishes the feminist tones found within and would have the casual viewer take this as nothing more than rousing adventure entertainment. There is more than enough swordplay, spear-impaling, blood-spraying, disembowelment and decapitation to please any action enthusiast. The first twenty-minutes of the film alone is comprised of two spectacular fight sequences. Cimber also interjects eroticism as his camera lingers lustfully on the female slaves, clothes many of the extras in see-through garments, and shows off a titillating scene of the slaves bathing nude which is there just to ogle the women. Additionally, there are several scenes of implied rape and forced sex. Though non-explicit, and necessary to set-up the danger Hundra faces, these scenes do set a rather uncomfortable tone that is hard to shake.

Due to a distribution fiasco with Universal that was of Cimber's own creation, HUNDRA was hardly seen in the theatre and fell into the void of VHS and never found its domestic audience. A DVD release in 2007 finally allowed this film to be seen by the masses, but with the likes of XENA, who has truly given the sword-carrying feminists of the world a champion, whatever rallying call HUNDRA may have been shouting initially has been drowned out. What remains is the best CONAN rip-off flick you'll ever find, and should easily find a place in the libraries of those that already own RED SONJA.

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Sarongs-a-Plenty in Cinematic Titanic's DANGER ON TIKI ISLAND

There's two things that I am nigh-obsessed with, that being Tiki bars (and all the good potent drinks that come with it) and Joel Hodgson-era Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

These two cultural institutions come crashing together in DANGER ON TIKI ISLAND, the latest Cinematic Titanic release.

Strange things are happening on this remote island in the Pacific, where a Peace Corps volunteer, a researcher and his love-starved lady arrive to find that nearby atomic testing has mutated some of the plants. It that weren't bad enough, a monster terrifies the villagers in its lust for blood. The man-beast must be stopped - but how?

This film was a staple at drive-ins in its day. Now experience it live with Cinematic Titanic.

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SIX-STRING SAMURAI (1998) Movie Review

SIX-STRING SAMURAI (1998)

It has been forty years since the Russians dropped the bomb on America and Lost Vegas, lorded over by Elvis himself, became the last beacon of freedom in a desolate wasteland. Now, the King is dead, and the call has gone out over the airwaves that Lost Vegas needs a new leader. Guitarists across the land are making their journey, including Buddy - a sword-wielding, hollow-body electric guitar player, with a penchant for black suits, skinny ties and two-tone shoes. This "lone wolf" picks up a "cub" on his journey, when he saves a young boy from being attacked by mutants. This kid, who Buddy tries to get rid of at every possible turn, becomes both a helping sidekick and infuriating nuisance.

As Buddy and the kid continue their journey across hundreds of miles of desert and abandoned roadways, they come across rival would-be kings, bowling-themed assassins, an all-American family of cannibals, a communist surf band, and even the Red Army! Buddy's mastery of his sword, and quick kung-fu keeps him safe from harm, unaware that Death himself, is also making his way toward Lost Vegas, killing any guitarist that he finds and keeping their picks as trophies around his neck. Buddy may be quick on his feet and quicker on a fret board, but is he fast enough to outrun death?

In this comical and highly-stylish post-apocalyptic adventure, co-writers Jeffrey Falcon and Lance Mungia, who respectively star and direct, blend a hyperkinetic cocktail of samurai motifs, road movies, ROAD WARRIOR inspired landscapes, colorful comic book-esque characters, and a surf soundtrack (courtesy of The Red Elvises) that hasn't been this good since THE ENDLESS SUMMER. Mungia, in his directorial debut, takes his cues from the dubbed kung-fu VHS releases of his youth. His action scenes are quick cut to the tempo of the music and the film speed is played with to enunciate Buddy's finishing moves or when he needs to pose. Jeffrey Falcon, who performs his own stunts, obviously has some martial arts training, and Mungia keeps his camera back enough to show that Falcon knows what he is doing. And even though the film's original language is in English, most of dialogue appears to be dubbed in post-production. This should be the western/samurai/action/exploitation homage that everyone name drops, rather than KILL BILL VOL. 1, so where did it go wrong?

The film's fatal flaw is the choice of half-pint Justin McQuire, who makes his first only film appearance playing The Kid. A even better question is the choice of why The Kid exists at all. If Mungia and Falcon were aiming to give a nod to the LONE WOLF AND CUB series, they sorely missed their mark. The Kid, who basically communicates in high-pitched shrieks is enough to drop the enjoyment of any scene he is in to zero. Even in the coolest of sword fights, a quick cut to this brat wailing is enough to make one just want to stop the movie. It really is that annoying. During Buddy's many failed attempts to ditch The Kid, we feel his frustrating pain when he has to save him or when the tyke wanders back to the roadside bar Buddy has holed up in for the night. While the storyline would turn out much different without this ragged tot in tow, the alternate result would have been a flashier, hipper, and cooler version of what we get.

There is plenty to be excited about here, and The Kid fortunately doesn't do enough damage to completely make the film a no-go. There is Death for instance, who looks like Slash right off the cover of Appetite For Destruction, who is more of a nuisance to Buddy than an actual adversary. His mission is to take over Lost Vegas with heavy metal, and thus becomes a contrasting force against Buddy's rockabilly stylings. Their final battle, which is equal parts "Devil Went Down To Georgia" and SANJURO, is a duel that the film takes eighty minutes to build up and final product does not disappoint. Buddy also takes on an entire division of the Red Army, who still carry guns despite not having any bullets for them. The bloodless slaughter is certainly a highpoint of the film. And of course there is the radio DJ Werewolf, who is a blissful tribute to Wolfman Jack, and acts as narrator and sage-like voice-over who pipes in in-between scenes, a requirement for any action-fantasy worth its weight in steel.

Released at the tail-end of the indie film explosion of the nineties, SIX-STRING SAMURAI got its fifteen minutes, but never got the cult status is does deserve. You won't find people dressed as Buddy at comic conventions, you're not going to find a ten-year anniversary re-release or a re-make of it this any time soon, and oddly, you won't find much of the cast or crew connected to any other films after this. The true potential for the film may never have been realized, but still it is a wacky example of the fringe cinema that was popping up in the care-free last decade of the twentieth century. And for better or worse, you'll never see another film quite like this ever made again.

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HOLY VIRGIN VS THE EVIL DEAD (1991) Movie Review

HOLY VIRGIN VS THE EVIL DEAD (1991)

On the night that Shiang (Donnie Yen) and a small group of his female students are having a late night picnic, the moon turns red and from out of nowhere comes a man who quickly knocks Shiang out and attacks all of the girls. When Shiang awakes, he finds his students dead, and quickly becomes the main suspect in their murders. Local police inspector Chen takes up the case, and begins to follow Shiang around. When a second murder takes places, it happens in a small temple. Shiang and his private investigator friend do some research, and discover that temple is for worshipping a god in an ancient religion that in Cambodia.

Shiang and his group of friends head into Cambodia, in the search for the tribe that still worships this religion. They have also discovered that the man who attacked Shiang is actually the inhuman Moon Monster. Once in Cambodia, they cross paths with the Princess White, who has been charged by her tribe to kill the Moon Monster. They are on a tight deadline though, for when the New Year begins, the Moon Monster will regain all of its powers and become unstoppable. Will Shiang, Princess White, and their friends be enough to put an end to an army of machine-gun totting fanatics and the vicious flying Moon Monster?

In this everything-but-the-kitchen-sink Category III extravaganza, logic and taste are thrown out the window to make room for a hodge-podge of erotic-tinged fantasy, supernatural horror, insane action, wire-fu martial arts, and pure exploitation. This is classic Hong Kong entertainment, the kind where the plot seems to have been made up as the movie was being made, where action set pieces are placed at even ten-minute intervals, where crude sexuality is debased to even cruder comedy, and where the film title offers more to the imagination than the actual film. This is definitely not the kind of Hong Kong import that has any fear of being remade. Ever.

Donnie Yen, who is the star of this because of his name recognition, and not due to his screen time, plays a meek teacher until it is he is threaten. He gleefully pushes the stereotype that all Chinese know kung-fu, for his character is given no background as to why he knows how to do flying spin kicks and scorpion kicks. He just naturally does. The rest of the actors, if they can even be called that in a production such as this, also are well versed in advanced martial arts, and are proficient in operating machine guns as soon as they pick them up. Pauline Yeung, who was Miss Hong Kong 1987, as Princess White, is the films main source of charming eye candy (but who is the only female actress not to go nude) and holds her own as a female warrior. She glides through the air with ease and has at her command a host of magical spells. But it is Ken Lo, Jackie Chan's then bodyguard and cinema career bad guy, as Moon Monster who takes the cake. His Jon Bon Jovi and Joe Elliot inspired wardrobe, long flowing black hair, and snarling growl make his performance truly memorable.

Part of the charm of HOLY VIRGIN VS THE EVIL DEAD, apart from the fact that there are no holy virgins and no evil dead mentioned in the entire film, is the ludicrous low-budget nature. The special effects, including lightning bolts, energy beams, and glowing eyes, are literally painted on the frames in post-production. Quick and choppy editing allow the characters to fly or leap great distances. Sound and Image rarely sync up, as the soundtrack was created after principal photography. The English subtitles, which disappear half the time when there is too much white on the screen, include such zingers are "bastard, run you!" and "hold it or I'll shoot her to dead!" And the music score, composed of mostly synth-score snippets on repeat, sets a truly ridiculous tone. Even White Princess' sword has a diddy that gets played each time it is drawn.

Though stamped with the nefarious Category III, it avoids the truly nasty territory that many of its brethren would wallow in. Instead, director Wong Chun-Yeung is merely dancing with joy at the freedom of the rating that was new at the time, and seeing just how far he can go with it. He succeeds in creating a high watermark example of the what-the-heck-did-I-just-watch cinema which was pouring out of Hong Kong at the time. It is films like this, which have sadly been weeded out of Hong Kong as their moviemakers became more internationally conscious, that made Hong Kong the go to source for exciting, unique and over the top movies in the first place and gave Hong Kong its international appeal.

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LOST BOYS THE TRIBE Movie and DVD Review

LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE (2008)

After Chris is kicked off his surfing team and loses his endorsements, he and his sister head off to the sleepy town of Luna Bay to lay low and hopefully start anew. Within twenty-four hours of arriving in the town, he discovers that his one-time surfing idol Shane lives in the town, meets up with a delusional surfboard shaper who claims to be a vampire hunter named Edgar Frog, is invited to a party at Shane’s who picks up Chris’ sister Nicole, and has sex with a woman who turns out be a vampire.

Confused, bewildered, and none-to-happy that Nicole also seems to be displaying symptoms of vampirism, Chris turns to Edgar for some unbelievable advice. Edgar, who has been hunting vampires for more than twenty years, quickly catches Chris up to speed with a stack of comic books. He tells Chris that Nicole is only half-vampire — as long as they can kill the head vampire before she feeds, she will be saved. And with that, Chris makes the fateful decision to become half-vampire himself so he has the strength to fight, while Edgar loads up on stakes and holy water to dispatch this latest tribe of bloodsuckers who have invaded his town.

It has been more than two decades since Joel Schumacher introduced a band of beach bum vampires and a group of pre-teen vampire slayers to moviegoers who had been jacked up on John Hughes teen dramas and horror-comedy hybrids, and lovingly embraced the fun-filled characters. With the current trend that seems to have no end of producing sequel after sequel coupled with an everlasting love for all things eighties, it is a wonder it took this long to create a sequel to THE LOST BOYS. But does this movie hold up? Is it worthy of carrying such a moniker? The answer is a resounding and deafening “meh.”

Had this been a standalone film, direct-to-video hack writer Hans Rodionoff would have been accused of stealing core elements from The Lost Boys and mocked for making not one, but two forced references to THE BIG LEBOWSKI. However, he would have at least been given credit for dishing out a script that allowed for plenty of teasing T&A and a few decently gory feeding sequences. As it stands though, this is a sequel to a beloved film, where the only thing it had to do right was please nostalgic fans of the original, since anyone without fond memories of Corey Feldman screaming “try the holy water, death breath!” will or won’t see this no matter what its called. And with that in mind, Rodionoff falls flat on his face.

Director P.J. Pesce puts together a somewhat competent, if wholly mediocre vampire film, where the emphasis is on how “extreme” the tribe of neck biters are rather than providing a good story, and more importantly, a good sequel. Plot holes are left wide open, and frustrating inferences are left unanswered so that we have room for a day-for-night surfing scene (which looks as bad as POINT BREAK’s sequence) and vampires playing video games. Several throwbacks and winks to the original film are sneaked in, not least of all is a randomly placed pair of antlers, which of course are used to impale one of the vampires.

Our only returning character is Edgar Frog, and Corey Feldman, who is sporting a gravely voice, seems eager to strap on some camouflage, sharpen some cross-shaped stakes, and fill balloons with holy water, and is criminally relegated to a minor character whose scenes are clearly the best in the movie. The rest of the cast pale in comparison, with only Angus Sutherland (younger half-brother to the original’s star Kiefer) pulling off something that resembles a descent villain in the role of Shane. The rest, including our protagonists and vampire underlings, you just want to see die.

Corey Haim, reprising his role as Sam Emerson, does make a very quick cameo during a cutaway in the middle of the end credits, and it is a shame that this is where it was decided to throw his character. But the real stinger comes in the Alternate Endings that are part of the extras found on newly released Warner Brothers DVD. These scenes, which reunite Edgar Frog and Sam Emerson, reveal that Edgar’s brother Alan has become a master vampire and is coming to settle a score with Edgar. This three-minute scene is better than the entire movie and it is a travesty that it has been reduced to an bonus feature. This scene hints at what should have been the basis for the entire sequel, and it is a slap in the face to the fans which have kept the original’s popularity going long after its expiration date.

Movie and DVD review originally published on Geeks Of Doom.

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